Cuten

Oh my.

2008-06-25T03:00:28Z

Because he is the sweetest boy in the whole wide world, he sent me a little note on Facebook to tell me that he was thinking of me, and such. It was very nice, but I was taken completely by surprise by the signature line:
Love,
Sir

I thought I would faint. :) Oh happiness!

Just seeing that word combination there, again, makes me tingle all over. I'm so thrilled I could just purrpurrpurr all night. <3

Of course, I wish to make a little note here to point out that I don't want "Sir" to become the whole of our interactions... Not that I think that would ever happen? But there is so much depth and so many different ways for me to think about our love, that I hope he doesn't ever feel like he is pigeonholed into that one role.

Still, it is awfully exciting and new. To have someone I can call "sir" and really mean it with every fibre of my being. Not just because he demands authority, but because I do respect him, and cherish him deeply.

Joy!

cuten @ 2008-06-23T23:52:00

2008-06-24T03:55:59Z

Hello all! I am sorry for the lack of posting lately, but the truth is that I've been too distracted to think about anything kinky lately. I've been busy with summer activities, occupied by spending time with my family and pets (including a new puppy!), and Sir has also been very busy with his summer coursework... Sex just hasn't been standing out in my mind lately, as shocking as that must be to read!

     A few nights back, I did actually have some sexual interest, but my attempts to get the boy's attention similarly focused didn't really work. As usual, I was left feeling a little frustrated, but more than anything, I was left feeling extremely vulnerable: a certain tingly, hollow sensation that sends chills down my arms. In short, a bit miserable.

     However, I am getting to a point where I feel a little less personally rejected. I don't have an overblown fit of moping, nor am I snotty or extremely despondent when this happens. Of course, I was upset, but I simply told him what was wrong, how I was feeling, and tried very hard to be communicative and mature. The boy was as kind and encouraging as he could be -- he was very sympathetic to me and reminded me that he does want me to be happy. I ended up going to sleep shortly thereafter, still feeling a little crappy. When this happens, of course I still know that I am loved deeply and desired, but it is a somewhat humiliating (in the bad way) experience to feel that one's amorous attentions have gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

     I don't know if it was because of the frustration I had earlier in the week, or he just wanted to cheer himself up and have a distraction from his schoolwork, or if I am really just that sexy -- but today the boy decided to surprise me with a little textual playtime, which led to some changes in our dynamic...

     I am not going to give you a recap of the whole conversation, but suffice to say that it was hotter than hot. Now and again, he adopted a delicious attitude that seemed to be a mixture of manipulative sadism, genuine tenderness, and condescension -- that puts a whole new spin on it when he calls me "kitten" or tells me I'm a good girl. It's a dark, sticky-sweet demeanor that he adopts, telling me what I would do for him, reminding me of things I already have done. The usual felinitous (I made that word up, do you like it?) nicknames take on a whole new meaning, and I suddenly feel less like a headstrong girl and a lot more like his own little toy kitty.

     It was all quite heavenly, and by the time it was winding to a close -- just a conversation, mind you, not a thing else -- I was actually a bit worn. I suppose just having him spark my imagination and tease my mind for a while gave me little adrenaline rushes, and so I was feeling a bit tired. Tired, but absolutely wonderful. I hadn't been expecting anything to happen today, so it was a real surprise, and it left me glowing.

     A few things to note: I now not only have permission, but indeed have been commanded (that's right! "You must"!) to call him 'sir' when sexual situations like those emerge. I am absolutely thrilled -- up to this point, he had been uncomfortable with that word. He tolerated it occasionally, but told me that the only reason he didn't find it completely off-putting was that he'd been hearing it used more often since he moved down South, which I suppose took some of the edge off, but he still didn't really care to hear it from me towards him.

     I asked him about the sudden change of heart. Do you know what he told me? That he liked it when I called him sir just then, and also that it "reminded [him] of that girl from Snoopy who always calls the other one sir." ...oh yes. "It was pretty cute," he said, "So it lost all the negative connotations I'd built into it."
I was concerned that he'd be thinking of Marcie from 'Peanuts' every time I said that. He assured me that, no, it was just a flash association with (quote: "lucky you") lasting effects. "I've also determined that I am, indeed, sir to you when sexy things happen. By definition," he said. Which is entirely true.

     I am not sure if that means I can refer to him as 'Sir' like a proper noun in this journal or not. I will ask him, or he will read this and tell me. It isn't a pressing issue right now -- I am just so happy to be able to say aloud what I am so often thinking and feeling.

     I also found that I have a really hard time verbalizing in these situations. He seems so ready with words, and I am honestly left with little to say: something that is a rarity in other parts of our relationship! I manage a feeble little, "Yes, sir, I do," or "Yes, I would, sir," but can't come up with anything else. Even when he prompted me -- something that I really appreciated -- I was uncertain of how to respond in a way that would be not only appropriate and logical, but erotic to him, something that seems by far more difficult.
     I am uncertain of what the expectation is for my role in situations like these, whether it is a conversation online or in the bedroom. I like to repeat phrases when I feel he is prompting me to do so, and I try to express whatever agreeable sentiments I can, but find that I am able to scrounge up a handful of words at best.
     I dislike this passivity in my submission, particularly where wordplay is concerned. I am a very verbal person, and I love to hear words from him, but I am having a hard time coming up with anything to give back. I don't know if it's that I really can't come up with anything, or that I am too bashful to do anything but blush and stammer out "Yessir".

     I hope that he will give it some thought, and give me some opportunities to try again. Perhaps repetition is the best place to start. I think I read that somewhere.

All in all, I was really happy with today. I think that him getting over that one little hang-up will mean a lot of good things for me, and solidifies the feelings I have been having towards him for so long.

Very happy kitty! :)

cuten @ 2008-05-18T19:52:00

2008-05-19T00:52:56Z

I'm updating from my phone, so this might be very brief. I think my last post was incorrect - I really do miss him. Its just that I have now made a distinction between missing someone and feeling lonely. At home, I don't feel lonely, I am surrounded by people... So it isn't that I miss him any less, or feel his absence less keenly - it's just that I don't feel so unhappy without him, because I am not by myself.

I certainly do miss him a great deal. As always, I talk about him enough to make my family and friends crazy. :) I love him to pieces.

Hopefully I'll be able to go spend some time at his house in a day or two. I have some summer cleaning to do here, so I am going to really work on it tomorrow now that I have it firmly established that once I'm finished, I'll have a week to spend with him.

All in all, I'm having a good yacation!

Quick update...

2008-05-17T02:15:18Z

I feel like I haven't updated in forever.

Sorry for not responding to comments, or replies to comments: I will try to get to it tomorrow night if I have a chance.

I am home for the summer. Here, strangely, I don't miss my boyfriend quite so much as I do when I'm at school. Perhaps it's because the environment is a little less stressful. Perhaps the change of scenery means that his absence is not quite so keen: I don't see him or feel him in my bed, I don't secretly hope to open the door and find him sitting on my sofa, I don't expect to see his miscellany abandoned in the bathroom. Perhaps it's because I've been practically consumed by Lord of the Rings Online (and the accompanying books, which I am reading/re-reading)... Whatever the case may be, I am oddly uncomfortable with NOT missing him so badly I want to lay in the bathtub and cry.

Of course, I am also completely off my birth control at the moment, which might have something to do with it. I totally forgot to call my at-school gyno and get the prescription called in to my at-home pharmacy. So that might account for my incredibly reasonable emotions.

The other possibly factor is that I have been having these endlessly, impossibly steamy dreams about him most nights. Really. I figure I must spend at least four hours having these random, disjointed sex dreams. Which, in the typical fashion of my dreams, is not without some factors that are quite bizarre... But sexy nonetheless.

..maybe I miss him a little more than I thought.

Part of it is also probably the fact that my shiny, pearly-white vibrator has been keeping my psychotic sexual urges under control. Which is another strange experience: going through a day without having an impossible desire to fuck him senseless.

Of course, it also might be the change in the weather. In the summer months, I seem to become impossibly attractive to men, and at the same time, rather disinterested in them. Don't ask me what that's about -- it just seems to happen that from June to September, some planet it is alignment, and my best friend and I both become a pair of hot little ... man-magnets or something, I don't know.

Sorry for not saying something profound in this entry. :) I'll have something great to post soon, I promise.

pr0n store

2008-05-08T01:54:26Z

So the first shop that we went to, as I said, was a little dodgy. I had a fairly large group of friends with me (I suppose there were six of us in all) and so we were just a little more rowdy than I think was entirely appropriate. But, you know,

One of my friends had us all in stitches: he has an excellent 'car commercial'-esque narrator voice, which he used to read the descriptions off the back of the boxes.

One of my other friends bought a little vibrator shaped like a teddy bear with a long, wiggly tongue. Truth to tell, it looked more like an anteater or something, but she seemed very thrilled with it. For being as small as it was, it really packed a punch!

While there, I bought a lightweight, black leather collar. It was small enough to fit around my neck and still even have a few holes remaining to tighten it further -- I was absolutely delighted. It was really quite cheap (honestly, it was $8.00) so we'll see if the buckles turn green or all the dye comes off or the whole thing falls apart. It seems to be decent quality, and I tugged on it enough that I believe it's sturdy.

While there, I saw that they had a number of the paddles I had seen for sale at JT's Stockroom. They had the "OUCH" paddle, but not the "SLUT" paddle which is the one I've been jonesing after. I put my arm out and slapped it on there -- sure enough, moments later, I saw the word 'OUC'... My arms aren't very wide.

After that, we decided to hit up the Hustler store. I was looking for a vibrator and hadn't found one that I liked, so I had to hunt for one. The Hustler was a REAL step up -- it reminded me very much of one of those large record stores, like Virgin, except instead of band t-shirts and albums, they had BDSM toys and porn. ;)

It was very well-lit, there was peppy music, and all the staff was very friendly and interactive. I can't say enough good things about my experience there. They had an automatic hand-sanitizer dispenser and let us do some product demos with several of the toys. The staff-person who helped us was knowledgeable, very funny, and when he walked away, one of my female friends leaned over and said: "Whoa. I feel HOT!"

I think working at Hustler is pretty much my dream job... I wonder how a person gets in on that. What would my mother think?

I ended up buying a white g-spot vibrator -- not because I am interested in my g-spot (I am convinced that I either don't have one, or it isn't particularly responsive) but because the staff-person explained how ergonomically great it was. And when I thought about it, he was right -- it was essentially a bullet with a handle! I was concerned that it would be cheap or flimsy, but it is very sturdy and surprisingly powerful.
I thought that having a real vibrator might make my summer more tolerable in the boyfriend's absence. I hope that we'll be able to incorporate it into some of our play as a couple later on. It's very user-friendly and I think would be very effective in a lot of different positions.

I found some more interesting floggers and asked my friend Michael to strike me with them on the arm. It's hard to know how things feel when you do it yourself, it's hard to get leverage, so I had him help me out. Unfortunately, he's a complete bastard and so he had too much fun with testing the toys. Ouch! I did find a nice little riding crop that I liked a lot, so I may have to see if my boyfriend is interested... This thing was not very intimidating and had a nice, fairly mellow sting.

So a good time as had by all, I have some news toys, and I made some new friends. Several of the folks that went with us, I was not especially close to, but I got to know them better as the night went on. Because nothing brings people together like leather paddles and condoms.

cuten @ 2008-05-06T12:09:00

2008-05-06T17:13:17Z

So... I made my very first trip to a Porn Shop last night. It was pretty entertaining, I went with a group of friends. Not only did we visit one of those kinda-dodgy places near the highway, but we also hit up the Hustler store here in town.

Let me tell you, those two things were just lightyears apart in terms of quality, organization of the merchandise, and helpfulness of the staff. Not to mention that the light was much better in the Hustler, and the whole place was just... nicer.

I don't really know what kind of turnover porn shops really have, but it seems like they could invest in some decor or something.

And for those of you who are wondering, I bought a collar and a vibrator. Because we'll both be taking classes this summer (I at a brick-and-mortar school, he is thinking he'll mostly be online), I doubt my boy and I will see much of one another. Orgasms are kind of boring without him, but I figure that maybe having a pretty, buzzy toy will keep me entertained.

I sort of wish I had bought the vibrator that had an adorable kitten on it... But I didn't. I wanted something that I could look at without cracking up. :)

Gotta go pack, but... I had a really fun time last night and I will probably write a little more about it later. I made some interesting discoveries and new friends so I'll tell you all about it. :)

Jaded? Me?

2008-05-04T03:43:50Z

Nothing particularly thrilling has been happening here, other than me being busy with exams.

The boy was delightfully indulgent a few nights ago, and I so appreciated it. It's often difficult for me to make time and (I suppose) for him to find the motivation to maintain our sexual relationship when we aren't together. He is generally concerned about other things, and so I really appreciate it when he takes time to be sure that my needs are being met.

I was talking to my friend Jake last night about those ridiculous eHarmony commercials. I told him that I suspected those featured couples were either actors or newly-acquainted because they were far too radiant to be reasonable. If they asked those same couples about their relationship after two years, I postulated, they would say, "Well, I really like him but he has this annoying habit, he always clips his toenails over the carpet in the bathroom..."

Jake told me that I was jaded.

I told him that I was a realist; he said that this was cliche. But the truth is that I don't think I am being cynical -- I think that people just love to complain. It's my experience that people in long-term relationships just plain like to complain about each other, and they recognize that their relationship will not always be a fairytale, and they acknowledge that their partner is not perfect. They can be frustrating, irritating, thoughtless, and even unintentionally cruel. The mark of a good relationship is the ability to discuss and work on, through, and past these difficulties. The greatest sign of hopeless romanticism, in my opinion, is that we love our partners in the face of their imperfection.
I would never say that my boyfriend is perfect. I might not even say that he is perfect for me -- but when I think about it, he is. The things that occasionally annoy me are also things that make him wonderful in other ways.

The other thing is that our almost-domestic-level of comfort, realistic attitudes, and occasional irritation does not even make a dent in my romantic attitudes. My boyfriend is everything to me. I might tell you that loving him has almost convinced me of reincarnation -- I feel that there is no way I could have him now without having loved him in countless lives before this; there is a Indian religious term, moksha, that refers to liberation from the cycle of life, death, and rebirth -- it is similar to the Christian concept of salvation, and in this way I suppose my endless adoration for my boyfriend is almost blasphemous in that I feel I must be in my last life, that he is some sign of that because he's ... Well, I don't even know how to explain it. It's as if my love is so deep that it seems that it must go back countless years. I, however, don't actually believe in reincarnation. I think that this is my only chance in life, and what a joy it is to have been blessed with a lover as wonderful as the one I have... So perhaps I just feel that our sort of love is the same, sustaining love that has existed since the creation of the world. Ours is the same that has been experienced by countless lovers over the thousands of years -- I feel as if we are walking in the footsteps of every couple that has ever experienced true love.

I could go on for ages about all of the romantic notions I have about him and our relationship. Twoo Wuv (tm)!

So the fact that I occasionally want to beat him over the head with a blunt object because he likes to make condom water balloons... doesn't do a thing to change my silly girlish notions of being in love. I love him and I love loving him.

Still busy...

2008-04-29T14:37:54Z

Finals week. I am really trying to stay ahead of things like he asked me to.

I am also looking for a good online calendar/to do list/agenda thing other than Google calendar, which demands that your friends sign up to view your calendar if it isn't set as a public calendar. Since there will be a lot of personal information (names, phone numbers, places, etc.) I prefer to keep my calendar private for safety purposes... Not sure if I'll come up with anything good. I am considering just making a calendar with a shared password that we can both log onto.

He makes me really, terribly happy. That is the honest truth. I got a little upset with him last night, and I know he was annoyed with me, over something that should perhaps be trivial, but isn't (to me, anyway). I know that was quite cryptic, but he knows what I'm referring to. :) It makes me so glad that he is willing to talk to me about things, and try to help me understand, and has apparently bottomless patience where I am concerned. If you had asked me two years ago what I was looking for in a partner, these are probably not things that would have come to mind -- but as time wears on, I realize how much more important these are than the more superficial stuff.

One of my favourite Bible verses is short and simple, but I think very beautiful; Phillipians 1:3, "I thank my God on every remembrance of you." I hope that I can do more of that.

I don't think I will ever fathom how deeply he loves me. I don't think I will ever begin to really grasp how lucky I am.

Sick.

2008-04-26T16:11:20Z

I feel like crap. Boyfriend is going to be here on Sunday for my event, but is only staying for the duration and then going home. I am pretty sad about this. I asked him if he could stay a little while, he said he would "find out". I assume that this means he thinks he'll have unavoidable obligations with his parents. (I sometimes question the validity of his excuses in these situations.)

Other than that, no real news. I have some personal things to share with the boy, and I am uncertain of how he will respond. Maybe he will think I'm totally nuts, we'll see.

I hope everyone is doing okay in all this pollen!

Obey me.

2008-04-24T17:39:08Z

*purrpurrpurrpurrpurrpurrpurrpurrrrr*

He really helped me get some things done last night. Maybe not in precisely the manner for which I was aiming, but it worked nonetheless... Worked in the sense that I got stuff done that I would have avoided doing otherwise. I know we're both still feeling things out at this stage, so it was good... And being told to obey is really sexy. ^^

Unfortunately, yesterday I found myself increasingly annoyed with him. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong, or anything out of the ordinary -- really, my annoyance was just a reflection of my own mood, than a reflection of his behaviour. I found myself becoming agitated with things that I was deeming childish in my mind. Almost anything he said or did acquired the label 'juvenile' yesterday, and at least once I informed him of this. Really, though, I was not acting particularly adult -- my response to my annoyance was to make snotty, vicious jabs at him at every open opportunity.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt his feelings. I wasn't trying to take out my agitation on him -- I was, at least on some level, only trying to get him to think/act like a grown-up. Given the fact that my boyfriend is 7+ years older than I am, you can see just how absurd this was. He wasn't acting especially childish, he was just behaving as he usually does, but this day it was annoying me to death. So I was being a serious little bitch.

After about 3-4 snotty remarks, he told me that he was finished with it, and that I could stop or he would go. Of course, this was sobering and I told him I would stop.

It was only in this moment of reflection that I realized that the reason I was being so agitated was that I just needed to have a half-way "grown-up" conversation. Just to remind myself that I am an intelligent adult, in a relationship with another intelligent adult. There is probably some societal "men are incompetent" programming coming into play there, I have no doubt. That does not make my behaviour excusable, but that seems to be the prevalent attitude for most people... I really don't think he's puerile, I was just feeling frustrated for some reason.

In any case, I realized that I was being bratty because I was trying to express that need, and either didn't recognize it for what it was, or was simply unable to verbalize it directly. Instead, I was being passive-aggressive and hoping he would take the hint. I realize now that this is very counter-productive, and so in the future I will try to take a moment to assess what I need from him, before I start acting like a little beast... And then I suppose it's up to him how he responds to that.

Tired, misbehaving...

2008-04-23T03:15:35Z

He asked me to make every effort to be one day ahead. Remember? Instead, I am now several days behind in my history class, because I didn't bother to make the time earlier to finish reading this book before I wrote a paper on it.

I am frustrated because I feel like I have let us both down. I am trying not to beat myself up about it, because I have made him aware of the grading situation in that class... I have an A; I can turn the paper in late and still get an A on the assignment. If I am correct in my calculations, I should be able to make a 'B' on the final exam, even with this late paper, and still make a solid A in the course.

I know that my grade will not suffer too much as a result of this poor planning on my part... But it does not make it any less frustrating that I have let something so simple slip through my fingers.

It is very difficult for me not to berate myself in these situations. I wish that he were here so that he could do something to effectively manage my apparent insistence that I be punished. Without him here to do anything, and not even online to talk about it, I seem to be dead-set on punishing myself, and I do so too deeply, too harshly, and too callously.

The whole situation is made worse by the fact that I seem to be quite ill; additionally, as a result of this illness, I may have a very difficult time with my event on Sunday, and I pray that this sickness will be lifted before then. It is not earth-shattering if I have to reschedule for next semester, but... Well, it is another disappointment.

I am very tired, and going to sleep now.

Planning to do well...

2008-04-21T12:08:15Z

I am thrilled because the boy has taken some firm steps towards helping me achieve my scholastic goals. Honestly, I couldn't be happier that he is helping me!

Among other things, he has asked me to be one day ahead of where I NEED to be. This is a foreign concept to me, honestly. I had been foreseeing just being ON TIME, but he says that this will be better. If anything sudden should arise, or I need more time, I will have an extra day to work on assignments before I have to turn them in, without having to stay up all night or wanting to pull out all my hair.

So I am going to try to accomplish a lot tonight, but this week it will be difficult to be a 'day ahead', because I have a book review on Wednesday for a book I haven't yet started. Erf. So I will make as much headway as I can until the weekend, when hopefully I will be able to get all caught up and then (dundundun!) my big event on Sunday. I'm nervous, but I hope that it will go well.

Supposed to be meeting with my therapist today; I will have to call and cancel because of a test I have at one o'clock. I should have been more diligent about studying yesterday but, well, I just wasn't as on top of things as I should've been. I made cookies instead.

Ergh.

Gratitude; Being a 'bad student'...

2008-04-20T16:39:06Z

Last night, the boy insisted that I work on my homework for Monday. This is a rarety for me, as I am a terrible procrastinator, always put things off until the last minute, and either I or my grades end up suffering a good deal as a result.

It brought me back to my thoughts about being a 'bad student'. On Monday, my therapist told me that some people procrastinate because they are afraid of failing, if they give something true effort. I can certainly understand that -- more than once I have quoted Steven Schwartz to myself and observed: Those who don't try never look foolish. I do not think that this is my issue with procrastination, though.

I think it is because I have become too invested in the insistence that I am a 'bad student'. When my ADD became a problem in school, I firmly established myself at the bottom of the class. I had a hard time keeping up with assignments, I would constantly lose things or forget about them, and my tangential nature made it hard to buckle down and get things done. Obviously, this isn't entirely my ADD, it is partially because I feel that I lack self-discipline and never really learned how to do unpleasant tasks...
But whatever the cause, I think I found it easier to become cynical and bitter about school, than to face the fact that I was failing at it. This is mostly speculation, because I don't really recall all of my thoughts as a 6th grader, but I do know that this is about the time that I started to resent students who did well. My intelligence did not make me the teacher's pet anymore -- I realized that my grades would be based on my diligence and my work. I rolled my eyes at the students who sat and did 'mindless busy work' all day, I fought back against things that I deemed 'pointless', and I generally thought that school was a big, fat waste of my time.

Even today, I find myself getting agitated at the students who do well.

Is it jealousy? Maybe. These days, I am always happy when I get a good grade; it feels like a victory, and it may be that when I see someone who scored higher than I did or was 'more victorious,' I get annoyed.

Is it disappointment with myself? Probably so. When I get a bad grade, I can point to the reason: I didn't start this paper until midnight; I didn't study for this test until an hour before class; I didn't study for this at all! And if those excuses fail, then the teacher doesn't grade fairly, or the material wasn't covered in class, etc., etc., etc...
It seems next to impossible for me to say, "I tried, and I did not succeed. I got that wrong, but nobody's perfect."

So while I am holding myself to an impossibly high standard, at the same time I am so firmly convinced that I'm a Bad Student, I can't seem to adjust my attitude.

I could study for this tonight, but that is what Good Students do. I could work on that paper in the library today, but that is what Good Students do. I have surrounded myself with other Bad Students, told myself that I'm too damn smart for this system, and have basically come up with a thousand and one reasons why I can't develop good study habits.

I realize that I have time management problems, and will always forget things, and do not plan as well as I should... But I think that a lot of my reluctance to work harder towards my schoolwork is because of the power that idea has over me.

My sixth grade math teacher made a point of frequently yelling and ranting at our class, spitefully reminding us that we self-centered, lazy, egotistical, and so on. He always tried to help me, one-on-one, really tried to help me succeed, and I rejected that.

In high school, and even in my first two years of college, I never felt successful when I got a good grade. I never felt good about myself when I accomplished things. I didn't receive an 'A' like a badge of honour, but more like an accident. Deep down, I think I was sure that my good grades were misassigned -- didn't you mean to give this 95 to a Good Student, not to me?

There is still a huge part of me that balks at the idea of being a 'keener'. I have always hated that kid in class who ruined the curve, who made everyone else look bad -- but why? That is a student who is doing what has been asked of them. They are accomplishing the goals that have been set before them, and the goals that they have set for themselves.

I am afraid to make good grades a priority. I am afraid to set an academic goal for myself.

Perhaps this is why I find it so comforting when my boyfriend sets them for me. Even something small, even something that I think is silly and pointless and a waste of time. He takes the responsibility for being a 'good student' away from me -- I am honestly sort of horrified by the thought of being that obnoxious kid with the 3.8 GPA, but at the same time, I really desire to do well, and I beat the shit out of myself when I don't. If he takes control of that away from me, I am no longer responsible for my own success: I mean that I will not have to feel like a jerk for doing well. I am also no longer responsible for my own failure: It does not become my job to "discipline" by tearing myself to pieces, but becomes his role to manage as he sees fit. I have a feeling he would be a lot nicer about it than I would.

It also occurs to me that if I make it a little less about ME BEING PERFECT (aghghg!) and about doing well for him, I might also be taking away the shattering self-disappointment that I often face. I might be disappointed for not doing well for him, but I might be less crushed for feeling like I failed myself...? Maybe not... I'm not sure on that one.

I am not sure how he feels about the idea of being responsible for that sort of thing. He told me he didn't have problems with helping to reinforce my schedule and aiding me in 'getting things done,' but I'm not sure he realized what a big issue it is for me.

In the hour that I worked on my homework last night, I got so much accomplished that now I won't have to do again today. Who knows, I might not want to kill myself by Monday night.

Things I appreciated; week in review

2008-04-19T14:58:46Z

Last post I said I would write about a number of things, including what the boy did last week that I appreciated.

Well, there were a LOT of things that I appreciated, too many to name, some of them bdsm-related but many of them not... One thing was his insistence that I work on a homework assignment before it was the last minute, even though I was very tired, wanted to sleep, and pleaded that he allow me to do it tomorrow. In the end, I only got to work on the assignment for a few minutes because the website that I needed to do it wasn't working from my laptop... But all the same, I was farther ahead than I would have been, and it was less to worry about the next day.
I am sure it wasn't easy for him to insist that I work on it. I was almost falling asleep at the keyboard, but he knew that I would be able to collect myself enough to at least make a little headway on a big assignment. He understood that I didn't really have the willpower to do it myself, and so rather than letting me default to what I wanted to do, he told me to accomplish what I needed to do.
At the time, I really had no way to tell him how much I appreciated that, so I hope that he will see this.

I also appreciated that we had a variety of sexual experiences this week. Sadly, I had a torn place on the side of my mouth: a chapped lip that I picked at until it turned into a real mess, which made oral sex almost totally out of the question for me. I did manage a little something towards the end of the week, but I must have been feeling out-of-sorts somehow because my jaw was aching terribly and my whole face hurt by the end of it. I don't think it took a particularly long time or anything like that, but somehow I just wasn't able to get comfortable.

Additionally, we have discovered that my boy apparently lacks the ability to give me a spanking without it ending in sex. Apparently he just finds me that irresistable. ;) But this makes me really happy, because it makes me think that he is comfortable with the scenario, and maybe it even turns him on a little. Purr, purr.

Lest he think that I was totally kink-brained, I decided to ask him if we could just be sweet, and have fluffy vanilla sex one night. Not in so many words, of course, but that is what I was aiming for, and I got my wish. :) I have to say that I felt very happy, intimate and satisfied after that. As much as I do enjoy our experiences together with bdsm, I also have not lost my affinity for simply making love. I think that there is a different kind of expression that takes place there; it is like a mutual outpouring of adoration and affection. In those moments, there is no doubt in my mind that we are equals, but also completely dedicated to each other. My attitude is almost worshipful, but it is not subservient awe at one who is above me, rather the entirely worthy devotions of my body towards his. (That is a loaded sentence, read it twice!)
I'm not sure that any of that made sense... but I hope it did. :)

The last thing that I feel compelled to write about is sort of uncomfortable for me. I am still not really sure how or what I should think about this incident -- it made me very happy, but I am obviously still grappling with some societal programming that tells me, "That's screwed up."
I had been having some strange dreams about non-consensual sex. But it was the dream variety where it isn't REALLY non-con, it is more like fantasy rape... So I woke up not feeling disturbed, but generally just feeling like I needed to do something sexual, and not REALLY enjoy it. Is that incredible? My dreams were not particularly stimulating, if anything they were just odd, but I still woke up with this unusual desire to be forced to submit to something marginally unpleasant.
I think that perhaps the urge was the fuel behind the dreams, rather than the other way around. I do still occasionally think that being a Twoo Submissive (TM) means that you have to do something distasteful, because I have had this idea drilled into me by a few unpleasant people. I do not think that they are correct, but occasionally I still have that nagging thought: "I did something I didn't want to do, that makes me a good submissive!" I think that there is some pride that might be taken in having the discipline and control to do things that are necessary but unpleasant, but I also think that kind of attitude leads to dangerous or immoral behaviour on the part of masters, yearning to put their submissives to the test. (You can read more about that in my earlier post, of course.)

In any case, I woke up with this strange idea in my head. The boy, meanwhile, apparently decided that in response to my amorous advances towards him (I molest him quite a lot in my sleep and also upon waking if I feel frisky -- I can't help it! He's in my bed! Want!) he would indulge me with anal sex. Normally, I am a fan of this activity; I find it stimulating and interesting and usually quite pleasurable. This morning, however, it was not especially enjoyable nor were the sensations pleasurable. I'm not sure if it was just my attitude making it so, or the fact that I was having a hard time relaxing, or what, but I just wasn't really enjoying myself. I wasn't in pain, I was only slightly uncomfortable, but there was a part of me that wanted him to stop, and another part of me that desperately wanted him to keep going. The part that wanted him to stop found a voice in my endless whimpering and whining, the unusually sobby vocalisations that I felt compelled to produce for the first 10 or 15 minutes of this exercise. I wanted him to stop, but I didn't want him to stop, and the only thing I could do was lay there, mewling at him.

He leaned down with his face near mine, eyes closed, looking very intently focused on the task at hand, with the sexiest little furrow on his brow... And I realized that he was trying to orgasm. My focus changed abruptly. That seems like an obvious thing, doesn't it? Isn't that the point of having sex in the first place -- to experience pleasure? Wouldn't it be a given that, yes, of course a man who is fucking you would be looking to cum from it? But either because our lovemaking is so mutual, or even bears towards being Cuten-centric, I have never felt that he was the focus of his own efforts. Occasionally, he'll talk about using me, like a toy, like a glorified masturbatory aid, existing for his pleasure... But I had never before felt sincerity in those remarks. Somehow, while I was experiencing that discomfort, and seeing the furrowed look on his face, I really felt that all of it was true.

For possibly the first time in my life, I was having a sexual experience that was not focused on myself. I was not the keystone, my pleasure was not the point. My pleasure was not even secondary perk in the midst of my efforts to make HIM feel good. Always, even in moments where I am focused on what he wants and needs, I am considering how it feels for me, what I like about it, or at least experiencing the self-satisfaction that comes with knowing he finds me pleasing.

This time, though, I felt that it wasn't about me. It wasn't about what I was feeling. It wasn't about what I found unpleasant. It wasn't about my pleasure, my discomfort, my attitude. I almost immediately relaxed and became very quiet -- all the puling I was doing a few minutes ago seemed silly and self-centered. My breathing slowed, and in my own silence, I was able to pay attention to him, to his breath, his body... Yes, I did feel like I was being used. I felt like my entire purpose was to be a pliable fucktoy, and I truly found it liberating.

I appreciate that he was kind to me when I needed him to be, that he was helpful and ran me all over town. He took some beautiful photos for an upcoming event of mine, helped me find a dress and pick out jewelry, and basically did a lot of wonderful 'boyfriend things'. But he also did a lot of wonderful 'dominant' things: providing me with a very calming spanking just when I was about to fly off the handle, keeping an eye on me and not being afraid to do what he needed to do to take care of me. Sometimes I will not always do what is best for myself, and will instead defer tasks and increase my stress level later, in favour of doing something enjoyable NOW. It is hard for me to keep my own best interests in mind when I am faced with the opportunity to procrastinate, but he helped to prevent that. I appreciated his perseverence even if he was uncertain. I appreciated that he was able to keep command of a situation, even if I was struggling.

I am more in love with him than I could even begin to say. :)

Thoughts in my mind lately...

2008-04-16T12:41:22Z

Stuff that I may or may not post about... Being a 'good girl'... Being a 'bad student'... The power of these kinds of thoughts and words/names have over myself and my life... The role I actually want submission to play in my life... Could this all be a phase? ...Submitting when I don't want to, how to do so healthily and still get things done... Expressing my needs to him so that he can ensure what I accomplish... Things that I really appreciated from this week while he was here. :)

The boy has a job interview this morning, I hope it goes wonderfully for him.

I have a test today! Eek!

Sorry...

2008-04-14T12:32:58Z

Sorry for not updating the past few days... I've been very busy, but will post ASAP. :)

Chaos

2008-04-07T16:41:19Z

I had an appointment with my new therapist today. I was uncertain of even mentioning my 'proclivities' to her, but realize that if we are dealing with issues of stress management, self-control, etc., it would be very relevent for her to be aware of the lifestyle choices I was considering, and the issues that I have been dealing with. I was very pleased to see that she didn't look at me like I was off my rocker, and actually wanted to engage in a dialogue about it. A genuine discussion, not just hounding me to find out if I was trapped in some horrible, abusive relationship with a tyrant... I don't know what I THOUGHT she would do. Jump out of her chair and tell me I was a pervert? Call the police? In any case, she reacted better than I had hoped, and I was glad.

I tried to express to her the thoughts I mentioned a few entries down -- how difficult it is for me to commit to either taking full command of myself and my own life, or commit to allowing him to adopt some of the control and responsibility.

She asked me some thought-provoking questions in regards to the nature of my submission. Particularly, she quizzed me slightly about what areas of my life came into play. I assured her that I still had an opinion, still had a say in what he and I did, and that I was the primary motivator in our still-forming D/s relationship. However, as we continued to talk, I made a realization:

Through my submission, what I truly want to do is surrender the chaos of my life to someone else. This is the heart of the problem I expressed struggling with a few entries back.

Is it reasonable for me to turn to him and say, "I am uncomfortable with managing myself. I am happier with someone else there, helping me manage my stressors, acting in the role of disciplinarian or comforter. I have not learned to master myself, to reward myself, to restrain myself, or permit myself to truly enjoy things. I want you to do it for me, because I don't know how"?
Or should I just 'learn how' to do it for myself? THAT is the issue.

That really opens up a whole new can of worms -- is my submission just an escape from my chaotic life? If it is, I think that it is a reasonable escape... But that seems to trivialize it too much. That is confining something that I have been considering a part of my personality to one area; rather than being a part of my identity, my submission becomes nothing more than a coping mechanism. I would be nothing more than a masochist with stress-management issues. (Which is fairly accurate, really...)

But, if I am happiest in this submissive role, handing off this chaos to someone else, doesn't that grant it validity?

Again, this entry is mostly questions, but I think they are important ones. I have never been of the "if it feels good, do it" school.

I think that perhaps this is the sort of thing other submissives are talking about when they speak of "freedom through bondage." Freedom to actually enjoy play time, freedom to have a reward; freedom from constant self-punishment (if you put someone else in the role of disciplining you when it's necessary to reinforce a behaviour, beating yourself up over nothing suddenly loses a lot of its potency), freedom from indecision, freedom from broken plans as a result of no accountability, freedom from panic. Freedom from chaos..?

edit: And even as we speak, I am sitting here milling over this entry instead of working on all the crap I need to do before tomorrow. *grumble*

Pacing

2008-04-03T14:43:00Z

Any time I get positive affirmation from him, any time that he tells me he is getting more comfortable with an idea, or even enthusiastic about it... Any time that we have a good day, or night... Any time that it seems like we are making progress... I become very enthusiastic. Too enthusiastic.

I realize that when he is asking me to be patient, I need to take that not as, 'wait a few days and he will catch up to me,' but rather that I need to stop and adjust my pacing so that I am staying with him, rather than taking his positive responses as a green light to zoom ahead.

I am, after all, practically inundating myself with websites, journals, and my own thoughts about submission, dominance, bondage, power exchange, etc. He probably isn't. Again, I need to adjust my pacing so that I am not becoming overexposed to things. I hope that by making a conscious effort to get involved in other interests that I have, he will feel less pressured to 'perform' and I will not rush ahead so much.

My strong desire to submit makes me hold on HARD to anything that he gives me as a venue for that submission, but it must be overwhelming for him when I do so. I don't want him to think that bdsm is all that I think about, or the only thing I am interested in, or that he will never be enough.

I really don't want him to feel pressured... So I am going to try to think less about 'patience', which makes me feel like I am being forced to frustratedly wait for him to catch up with me, and think more about 'pacing' -- so that I can remain at his side, take his speed.

Not just pacing my external attitudes, but pacing myself in regards to my own thought processes. We got into an argument last night because I had built something WAY up in my head, and it was working well for ME -- until he didn't respond in the way I had hoped. It worked well for me, but it didn't work well for him, and that is because it was at a level beyond the one we've reached right now. I have to try to keep my submission at a point that is harmonious with his dominance. While I can certianly volunteer my submission in passive ways, I must remember that for active things, I must take his pace.

Today's thoughts...

2008-04-02T23:35:06Z

I still feel like my post from yesterday isn't very clear. Then again, my feelings on the matter aren't very clear, either. I suppose all I was driving at was that it takes two to tango.

Late at night sometime earlier in the week, I wrote myself a note: "I am the most valuable gift I can give him."

My thoughts there are about what I can do, in regards to self-improvement, to make myself a better person, not just a better submissive. Someone that would inspire that 'how lucky am I' feeling in him. Although he insists that I am wonderful, I am certain that there are areas where I am lacking, and even some personal shortcomings that cause him stress:
- my lack of organization which can lead to us being late or unprepared; this is a serious personal problem as well
- my lack of planning, or awareness of my own plans, which can lead to us having unexpected events and me having unexpected demands placed me, and therefore, on our time together
- being lax in my personal grooming; I am struggling with my attitudes about beauty, etc., right now on a spiritual level, as vanity is one of my stumbling blocks, so I am both uncertain of what he might desire or demand of me in this area, and what I ask of myself
- the ability to cope with stress and fatigue before I am decommmissioned for days at a time

I feel that a lot of these things could be repaired if I had reinforcement from him to keep up with my things, but again, that goes back to the issue of my post below... But if I am taking the attitude of wanting to be able to present myself as a gift to my beloved (which is what I was always told to do in Sunday School, after all), then perhaps I should take the steps to repair or compensate these things on my own, rather than asking him to be my keeper?

I am very uncertain of my role in this budding dynamic. I wish I had more answers and less questions.

Self-control

2008-04-01T22:30:06Z

I think that part of my hesitance to commit to either 'being my own' and 'being his' is the fact that, no matter how strongly I feel pulled to the former, I am afraid that the latter will leave him in a difficult position.

I want him to be comfortable and happy. I know that part of what attracted him to me in the beginning was the fact that I was an individual, unafraid of other people, and working hard at standing on my own two feet, without anyone else to guide me.

As he knows, I feel like a cheat when I look back on this, recognizing that the face which I put forward was not the place in which I was most comfortable, in my heart. He was attracted to a woman who was striving to be her own, and when she fell in love, what she really wanted was to be his.

Given that he (as far as I know) felt this way, I am not surprised that he's having a difficult time adjusting. He insists that he loves me as I am, and that he is willing to try, but I remain skeptical of his comfort with keeping me in the manner I wish to be kept.

He does not seem like the sort of person who would feel comfortable, or gratified, by being charged with 'keeping' someone else. I can easily see myself in such a position, at least with another woman -- as I have said, I am a natural-born leader. It is easy for me to take charge of other people, and I find that my take-charge attitude (okay, really, I'm just kinda bossy) is one of my more dominant traits. I could find a lot of joy in keeping someone else in line.

The issue is that, in my romantic relationships, I don't want to be that person; I want someone else to be that person towards me. Self-control is very difficult; surrending control to someone else, or seizing control from someone else, would be easier, I think... But it seems, for now, that I must remain in command of myself, and consider my own wants and wishes, until he establishes his own, or makes them known.

EDIT: I just wanted to add that I do not expect him to be able to just put on his asskicking boots and command my life, with no preparation into that. I realize that right now we are just testing the waters... The difficulty is that I want, very badly, to submit to him, but cannot because of our life circumstances, and my uncertainty about how he would respond. I want to submit more fully, but as I said above, I am unsure that he would want, accept, or find happiness in managing me in this manner.

Limits...

2008-04-01T03:23:49Z

An interesting discussion came up in a community I regularly haunt. The question had to do with limits and whether or not it is appropriate for a submissive (or particularly, a slave) in a relationship to have limits at all. Though many people like to talk about the power of the submissive, it seems that there are a lot of people who also believe that it is not the One True Way of submission unless your dominant is forcing you to do things that you find repulsive or objectionable. If you are not doing something depraved or disturbing on your dominants's behalf, then you are not well-trained and not TRULY submissive.

I can see the logic behind this argument. There is a part of me that thinks it would be a strong testament to one's devotion to do something that one found personally objectionable. I can see how one would take pride in being so well-trained that they were able to do something despite their own feelings of disgust or distaste, because it was their master's will that they do so.

At the same time, I am a person with a strong moral compass. If I were asked to do something that was against my spiritual or religious convictions, I feel that the standard of behaviour I feel spiritually called to would be more important than the human standards set in place by my dominant.

There are a lot of people who feel that it is the Dominant's duty to acknowledge and be mindful of the limits of the submissive, because it is not the act of a loving dominant to cause his submissive emotional or psychological trauma.

I am more in tune with this last idea than the former. Perhaps that is why I feel drawn to a 'pet' dynamic than a 'slave' dynamic. I do not feel that it is appropriate for a dominant to force his submissive to do something that she has placed a limit on -- I realize that this happens every day in TPE relationships, and perhaps those people find this to be rewarding... Or perhaps they never had those true limits in the first place.

Is it just a question of priorities? If I had to choose between my personal comfort and his pleasure, I would hope that I would choose his needs over my own. However, if I was being forced to choose to forsake my safety by endangering myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, as the case may be) for his pleasure, I believe that I would be asking myself what I was doing with a person who was so inconsiderate of my needs.

I do not think that it is the mark of a True Submissive (tm) to force themselves to do things that they find truly objectionable. As I told my ... Well, as I told him a few nights back, toys do not work well when they are broken.
I do think that it is the mark of a good dominant to acknowledge their submissive's personal feelings and attitudes, and to care for them dearly. Sometimes I feel that boundaries should be pushed, if it is being done for the growth of the submissive, and it is merely a matter of discomfort.

Ephesians 5:22-33 always seemed to speak to this subject in a way that I agreed with. It, for me, is an exemplary model of how dominants and submissives should relate to each other; the submissive should not feel discomfort submitting to anything her dominant asks, as her dominant will love her as if he is a part of himself.

I guess not everyone sees it that way.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.
For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joiend to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Visit

2008-03-31T17:47:03Z

Well, my boy is apparently coming to see me today or tomorrow. He told me that he intended to "give me something to write about."

I am not really sure what this will entail, but I think it goes without saying that I am looking forward to seeing him. Even if nothing very out of the ordinary happened, I am happy just to get to see him again.

Unfortunately, I will also be very busy over the next few days -- I have a lot of time commitments in my evenings, and am in class during the day, so hopefully that will not interfere or wear on me too much.

First post

2008-03-31T02:37:42Z

As this is my first post, I would like to write something about what I hope to achieve with this journal, or what I hope to record and accomplish through writing it... But I'm not really sure. I want to write about my submission and thoughts thereto, partially for my benefit, potentially for his.

The most recent struggle is a little bit difficult to explain. As he and I discussed a few nights back, I am having a hard time figuring out how my sexual proclivities, my lifestyle preferences, and my autonomy as a person work together.

I am a very tangential person, and for a long time my life was driven by nothing more than distraction. I would act on whatever it was that caught my interest, and then move on to the next activity that caught my eye -- I would pass days like this, weeks, months. My schoolwork was suffering as a result.

Devastated and confused, I made an appointment with a therapist. "I don't understand how nothing gets done," I told him. "I don't choose to do things, but I don't choose NOT to do them! Somehow the whole day gets away from me, and nothing gets done -- I get up at six, and before I know it, it is 9pm and it is too late to do anything."

After listening to my grief for some time, he asked: "Tell me, do you make decisions?"

I realized that, no, I did not. I rarely made choices, but rather, acted on whatever shiny object or idea managed to sieze my attention. Being disorganized and having rather poor self-discipline certainly didn't help.

With my therapist, I worked hard at becoming a more 'complete' person. With my new awareness, I began to make conscious choices about how to spend my time, and found that my discomfort with unpleasant (which means 'work') gradually decreased as I become more accustomed to .. well.. doing things that I didn't particularly enjoy.
I had a number of unique coping strategies, and on the whole, feel that I made a tremendous amount of progress. During this time, I also made great leaps in my private life as well as my academic life, stepping out from under the parental umbrella, making my own political, religious and personal choices.

It was a rather difficult period for me, but during that time I established in my mind that a part of being a whole human being is having that sort of willful self-control, and that decision-making ability. It still isn't easy, but I made a lot of progress, and am doing a little better.

Of course, some time after this, I fell into the world of BDSM. Now, I had always known that I was pretty kinky, and that it was important to me on some level. Or at least, I think I had just always assumed that handcuffs and strangulation were a normal part of everyone's sex life. I was somewhat mistaken. Apparently Freud was wrong -- not everyone has a rape fantasy.

Different pieces and parts of this "lifestyle" (though I'm reluctant to use that term, I will use it here) seem to fit very well with me. Submission has such a tremendous appeal to me (I am sure I will dedicate another entry to explaining it), and I learned that there were people who actually styled their full lives on a model of dominance and submission.

This was creepy. It creeped me out. Why would anyone want to live their life in such a manner? Of course, the images that I had were a little bit out of proportion. Even though I was learning, and am still learning, more about people who practice bdsm, I occasionally found (and do find) that my point of view is tainted by popular perception, and the preconceived notions that I had.

Of course, I am beginning to realize that I would be quite comfortable in such a position... It seems that I would almost prefer to default to doing what I am told, rather than being forced to be fully responsible for my own actions, failings, and indecision. It seems that I respond more easily to reinforcement from others, be that by praise or discipline, than I do attempting to govern these matters for myself.

So I suppose I am left with a conundrum. Obviously, I have a sexual interest in dominance and submission. There is no doubt in my mind that it gets me hot... But it also seems strangely comforting. Do I want someone else to take (some?) control of me because I willingly wish to express my trust and devotion that way? Or is it because it is the position that makes me happiest? Or is it simply motivated by my lack of self-control and fear of failure?

I have a strong feeling that it is more the former than the latter. I think I am fully capable of being my own person, but ... Well, everyone has preferences, right?

This got a lot longer than I meant it to, so... Signing off for now.